The OkCupid Dating Persona Test Results!

promo
“The OkCupid Test will guage your inner workings and then classify you into 1 of 32 dating types. Among other things, we’ll be analyzing your sex drive, predictability, love experience, and inherent goodness. We do a lot of math to calculate your results, but all you have to do is answer honestly.”

OkCupid is one of the largest online dating services today, but in it’s infancy, during the years 2003-2006, it was an alternative dating site that thrived on user-created quizzes. From 2007 and on, the site took a more conservative and conventional approach with their language and aesthetics, until it was bought in 2011 by Match Group and added to their portfolio of online services. Today it’s just another mainstream service.

But back in the day, with its playful, humorous style, full of hints and teasing, and an almost kitsch, deliberately naive aesthetics, there was nothing quite like it. In fact there is still nothing like it.

One of its main attractions was the Dating Persona Test that placed you in one of the 16 male or female personas, depending on your views about love and dating. The profile briefings had the length of a blurb but they were very much to the point. It even let you know what kind of person you should be looking for.

I have found these brief descriptions quite insightful, both, for me and others, and they opened me ways to better understand people. So I’ve replicated them here. The test itself stopped being available in 2015, but by reading the descriptions, you can figure out your type. You can also use the four dichotomies (Random/Deliberate, Gentle/Brutal, Sex/Love, Dreamer/Master) to deduce it.

I’ve kept most of the aesthetics from the 2006 version of the site but used the recommendations (who you should be avoiding and looking for) from the 2015 results, under the assumption that latest means better.

an accident in love

There are 16 female personas and 16 male ones.

Deliberate
Gentle
Love
Dreamer
Deliberate
Gentle
Love
Master
Deliberate
Gentle
Sex
Dreamer
Deliberate
Gentle
Sex
Master
Deliberate
Brutal
Love
Dreamer
Deliberate
Brutal
Love
Master
Deliberate
Brutal
Sex
Dreamer
Deliberate
Brutal
Sex
Master
Random
Gentle
Love
Dreamer
Random
Gentle
Love
Master
Random
Gentle
Sex
Dreamer
Random
Gentle
Sex
Master
Random
Brutal
Love
Dreamer
Random
Brutal
Love
Master
Random
Brutal
Sex
Dreamer
Random
Brutal
Sex
Master

The Sonnet

Deliberate Deliberate Gentle Gentle Love Love Dreamer Dreamer (DGLDf)
The Sonnet

Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

Your exact opposite:
Genghis Khunt

your exact opposite
Random Random Brutal Brutal Sex Sex Master Master

Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They’re conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that’s okay, because you’re very choosy with your affections anyway. You’d absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You’re already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there’s no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.

You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.
the editorial square!

Always Avoid: The 5-Night Stand, The False Messiah, The Hornivore, The Last Man on Earth

Consider: The Loverboy

The Slow Dancer

Deliberate Deliberate Gentle Gentle Love Love Dreamer Dreamer (DGLDm)
The Slow Dancer

Steady, reliable, and cradling her tenderly. Take a deep breath, and let it out real easy...you are The Slow Dancer.

Your exact opposite:
The Hornivore

your exact opposite
Random Random Brutal Brutal Sex Sex Master Master

Your focus is love, not sex, and for your age, you have average experience. But you’re a great, thoughtful guy, and your love life improves every year. There’s also a powerful elimination process working in your favor: most Playboy types get stuck raising unwanted kids before you even begin settling down. The women left over will be hot and yours. Your ideal woman is someone intimate, intelligent, and very supportive.

While you’re not exactly the life of the party, you do thrive in small groups of smart people. Your circle of friends is extra tight and it’s HIGHLY likely they’re just like you. You appreciate symmetry in relationships.
the editorial square!

Always Avoid: The Battleaxe

The Maid of Honor

Deliberate Deliberate Gentle Gentle Love Love Master Master (DGLMf)
The Maid of Honor

Appreciated for your kindness and envied for all your experience, you are The Maid of Honor.

Your exact opposite:
Half-Cocked

your exact opposite
Random Random Brutal Brutal Sex Sex Dreamer Dreamer

Charismatic, affectionate, and terrific in relationships, you are what many guys would call a “perfect catch”—and you probably have many admirers, each wishing to capture your long-term love. You’re careful, extra careful, because the last thing you want is to hurt anyone. Especially some poor boy whose only crime was liking you.

We’ve deduced you’re fully capable of a dirty fling, but you do feel that post-coital attachment after hooking up. So, conscientious person that you are, you do your best to reserve physical affection for those you respect...so you can respect yourself.

Your biggest negative is the byproduct of your careful nature: indecision. You’re just as slow rejecting someone as you are accepting them.
the editorial square!

CONSIDER: The Gentleman, someone just like you.

Always Avoid: The False Messiah, The 5-Night Stand, The Vapor Trail, The Bachelor

The Gentleman

Deliberate Deliberate Gentle Gentle Love Love Master Master (DGLMm)
The Gentleman

Steady & mature. You are The Gentleman.

Your exact opposite:
The Last Man on Earth

your exact opposite
Random Random Brutal Brutal Sex Sex Dreamer Dreamer

For anyone looking for an even-keeled, considerate lover, you’re their man. You’re sophisticated. You know what you want both in a relationship and outside of it. You have a substantial romantic side, and you’re experienced enough sexually to handle yourself in that arena, too. Your future relationships will be long-lasting; you’re classic “marrying material,” a prize in the eyes of many.

It’s possible that behind it all, you’re a bit of a male slut. Your best friends know that in relationships you’re fundamentally sex-driven. You’re a safe, reliable guy, who does get laid. In a lot of ways, you’re like a well-worn, comfortable pair of socks. Did you ever jack off into one of those? All the time.

Your ideal mate is NOT a nut-job. She is giving and loving, like you, but also experienced. Avoid the The Battleaxe at all fucking costs.
the editorial square!

CONSIDER: The Maid Of Honor, someone just like you.

The Intern

Deliberate Deliberate Gentle Gentle Sex Sex Dreamer Dreamer (DGSDf)
The Intern

Act 2, Scene 1
An attractive young woman, the INTERN, sits at her desk. ROSS and MACGRUDER, two sales associates, stand near the water cooler.

MACGRUDER: Whoa! Get a load of the new intern! I’d like to file my proposal in her drawers.

ROSS: Easy there, MacGruder, you’ll get us fired. [aside] I agree.

Exeunt.

Capable. Trustworthy. Carnal. The Intern.

Your exact opposite:
The Sudden Departure

your exact opposite
Random Random Brutal Brutal Love Love Master Master

From our experience, Interns are nice girls who would really, really like us to come on to them. They, like you, must be looking for sex, preferably from someone good-looking and successful. So... what are you doing later? Oh, okay, cool. Well, maybe next time? Okay, okay, jeez.

The thing is, you’re a little bit quiet, so men think you’re waiting for them to start things. You do like sex a lot, they’re right about that, but few of them realize you’re a genuinely thoughtful person.

You’re choosy, not wanting to get mixed up with just anyone.

You’re not necessarily looking for a steady relationship right now; that’s cool. Be careful to avoid people trying to tie you down to anything other than bedposts.
the editorial square!

Always Avoid: The False Messiah, The Vapor Trail

Consider: The Bachelor

The Backrubber

Deliberate Deliberate Gentle Gentle Sex Sex Dreamer Dreamer (DGSDm)
The Backrubber

Lusty but indirect. Kind, but also using friendship as a means to sex. Oh, that feels gooood. You are The Backrubber.

Your exact opposite:
The Vapor Trail

your exact opposite
Random Random Brutal Brutal Love Love Master Master

We call you “The Backrubber” because you straddle that fine line between coming on to someone and just treating her nicely. Backrubs are just one example; you’d meet for coffee, or talk about books/movies, or even argue a little bit, all the while mostly preferring to screw.

Your indirect approach is not some evil trickery, but rather a result of your open mind. You’d enjoy either love or sex, but the latter definitely doesn’t require the former. While you are responsible and ambitious, you absolutely DON’T have uptight views on relationships. So ultimately, you just enjoy a woman, and let things take their course. If she wants you, great. If not, that’s fine too.

Though you’re not thinking too much about Love at this point in your life, odds are, when the time comes, you’ll be very happy settling down. Your ideal mate is gentle and horny, just like you.
the editorial square!

Always Avoid: The Peach

Consider: The Playstation

The Dirty Little Secret

Deliberate Deliberate Gentle Gentle Sex Sex Master Master (DGSMf)
The Dirty Little Secret

Innocent but fundamentally sexual, like the word “finger”. You are the Dirty Little Secret.

Your exact opposite:
The Wild Rose

your exact opposite
Random Random Brutal Brutal Love Love Dreamer Dreamer

Few women have the confidence for sex mastery, and among nice girls, like you, it’s almost unheard of. So congratulations. You’ve had plenty of adventures, but you’ve remained a kind, thoughtful person. Your friends appreciate your exploits. They even live vicariously through you.

You seek pleasure, but you’re not irresponsible. You are organized and cautious, and you choose your lovers wisely. One, you don’t like dirtbags. And two, you like to maintain control. Or at least lose it selectively. You might notice that older men single you out. They have an eye for your sensual nature. Take it as a compliment.

You enjoy making people happy, and it’s inevitable that many guys will fall harder for you than you for them. You’re not completely comfortable in a serious, long-term relationship right now. Our guess is that the key to extended happiness will be finding a responsible, but kinky, mate.
the editorial square!

Always Avoid: The Hornivore, The Manchild, The Last Man on Earth

Consider: The Bachelor, The Backrubber

The Bachelor

Deliberate Deliberate Gentle Gentle Sex Sex Master Master (DGSMm)
The Bachelor

Straight-up. Studly. Congratulations, you are The Bachelor.

Your exact opposite:
The Manchild

your exact opposite
Random Random Brutal Brutal Love Love Dreamer Dreamer

You’re an honest, good-thinking guy, and though you’re very sexually active, people don’t perceive you as a male-slut or man-whore or guy-dick-putter-inner or whatever. You have a sterling reputation.

You’re a careful person, perhaps too much so for your friends’ tastes, but girls like that in you. You probably don’t kiss & tell. And you definitely don’t brag. You know you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. It’s as if you believe in monogamy, so long as it’s with lots of different people.

Our guess is that you’ve got some kind of word-of-mouth going with the girls out there, and that in the future, your sex partners will get even more plentiful, and more attractive, too.

You will settle down eventually, and make an excellent husband. You seem like the type who is into the idea of making copies of yourself, so you’ll probably have kids. Bear in mind, meanwhile, this can get expensive.
the editorial square!

ALTERNATE ENDING: You will die broke and alone. Vermin will feast on your ragged body for five days before the groundskeeper notices. The thing is, when somebody dies in a public restroom, the natural odor of his decomposing flesh is often masked by the feces smell.

Always Avoid: The Wild Rose

Consider: The Dirty Little Secret, The Intern

The Priss

Deliberate Deliberate Brutal Brutal Love Love Dreamer Dreamer (DBLDf)
The Priss

Mature. Responsible. Aristocratic. Excuse me. The Priss.

Your exact opposite:
The Playstation

your exact opposite
Random Random Gentle Gentle Sex Sex Master Master

Prisses are the smartest of all female types. You’re highly perceptive, and confident in your judgements. You’d take brutal honesty over superficiality any time--your friends always know where they stand with you. You’re completely unfake. Don’t tell me that’s not a word. You’re also excellent at redirecting internal negative energy.

These facts indicate people are often intimidated by you. They also fall for you, hard. You have a distant, composed allure that many find irresistible. If only more of them lived up to your standards.

You were probably the last among your friends to have sex. And the first to pretend that you’re pregnant. LOL. Though you’re inclined to use sex as weapon, at least it’s not as one of mass destruction. You’re choosier than most about your partners. A supportive relationship is what you’re really after. Whether you know it or not, you need something steady & long-term. And soothing.
the editorial square!

Always Avoid: The Playboy, The Loverboy

Consider: The Manchild

The Mixed Messenger

Deliberate Deliberate Brutal Brutal Love Love Dreamer Dreamer (DBLDm)
The Mixed Messenger

Just...take...the...fucking...flower...darling. The Mixed Messenger apologizes again.

Your exact opposite:
The Playboy

your exact opposite
Random Random Gentle Gentle Sex Sex Master Master

You’re looking for love, but you’ll always maintain your independence. You’re prepared for a real commitment, but it’s also likely that you’re ambitious, which creates a certain romantic tension and ambivalence within you. So although you can be very affectionate to someone, you are also capable of pulling some dubious shit.

In a relationship, you’re usually the emotional leader. With your friends, you’re a little bit more part of the pack. You’re well-liked but you’re not the uninhibited type, so the spotlight’s often on someone else. In both social and romantic situations, however, you almost always get what you want. Influencing people is something you do very well.
the editorial square!

Always Avoid: The Playstation, The Peach

Consider: The Priss

The Battleaxe

Deliberate Deliberate Brutal Brutal Love Love Master Master (DBLMf)
The Battleaxe
Underappreciated

Sharp. Hardened. Dominating. The Battleaxe sweeps all before her, smiting and what not.

Your exact opposite:
The Nurse

your exact opposite
Random Random Gentle Gentle Sex Sex Dreamer Dreamer

You’ve had a number of serious relationships, so you obviously have many attractive qualities. You’re well experienced in dealing with other people’s weirdnesses, and it’s likely you’re good in bed by now, too. Also, like the drunken housewife chucking Heinekens at her no-good husband, you’ve got a lot of energy.

People can tell you’re sophisticated, and so you find yourself the object of infatuations quite often. But it’s how you handle yourself in your relationships that gets you the ‘brutal’ tag. Controlling? Imperious? Overbearing? Yes, please.

Remarkably, you don’t mind the same from your men. You’ve experience enough to take whatever you dish out. Overall, you’re a very good person and a capable lover, and when the time comes you’ll make a fine divorcee.
the editorial square!

CONSIDER: The False Messiah, someone just like you.

Always Avoid: The Pool Boy

The False Messiah

Deliberate Deliberate Brutal Brutal Love Love Master Master (DBLMm)
The False Messiah
"Not now, my children, not now."

People believe in you, and then you send them to hell. Behold, the False Messiah.

Your exact opposite:
The Pool Boy

your exact opposite
Random Random Gentle Gentle Sex Sex Dreamer Dreamer

You’re usually a very kind person, and conscientious, too. Socially, you’re a leader, and your friends and associates look up to you. In intimate relationships, you’re a capable, responsive, and experienced lover. Outside the box, however, you run into trouble.

Girls fall hard for you, but you’re much more ambivalent about them. The beginnings of your relationships are unusually intense, making it all the rougher on her when they end. At first, using all your accumulated tricks of the trade, you ladle on the affection. But once she’s all covered in soup, you withhold the true napkins of commitment. What’s that all about? We should’ve called you the False Waiter.

You’re looking for Love. But history tells us you struggle to settle down and accept it. There’s a deep streak of carnality within you. And while you’ll never be a predator, you’ll always fight the urge to roam free. You like to plan things out, so plan this: find someone who can indulge your selfish side, has a healthy sexual appetite, and doesn’t mind uncertainty.
the editorial square!

The Nymph

Deliberate Deliberate Brutal Brutal Sex Sex Dreamer Dreamer (DBSDf)
The Nymph

Sly. Sensual. Guarded. Different somehow. You are The Nymph.

Your exact opposite:
The Peach

your exact opposite
Random Random Gentle Gentle Love Love Master Master

It appears like you’re looking for a fling or a casual sexual relationship, but it’s not that simple. You’re a hungry but also very careful person, and this generates a certain amount of sexual tension within you and in your relationships. In other aspects of life, you get what you want. In relationships, that’s not always the case.

It’s possible you intimidate potential lovers. Most likely, though, you’re a little closed off—therefore mysterious—and, naturally, people find that difficult to get with. Maybe it’s just part of your selection process, though. You’ve been in enough relationships to know to expose yourself slowly.

When you do feel comfortable with someone, though, your torrid sexual appetite will make him very happy. Your cautious nature is also a big asset in a long-term relationship. It might take longer for love to establish itself, but when it does, it’s all the stronger.
the editorial square!

Always Avoid: The False Messiah

Consider: The Playboy

The Billy Goat

Deliberate Deliberate Brutal Brutal Sex Sex Dreamer Dreamer (DBSDm)
The Billy Goat
"Huh?"

Horny. Stubborn. Kinda cute. Slightly immature. And often found on rough terrain. You are The Billy Goat.

Your exact opposite:
The Loverboy

your exact opposite
Random Random Gentle Gentle Love Love Master Master

You’re lusty, but typically monogamous, and all in all you’re a pretty good boyfriend. In fact, you enjoy relationships, if mostly for the sex and physical companionship. You’d do or say almost anything to get together with someone, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

You’re sensitive, you have a certain boyish charm, and you’re eager. Therefore you probably attract girls who are serious about romance. But few who get close to you realize how unready for total commitment you are. People fall for you. Meanwhile, you maintain your emotional distance, and there goes another box of tissues.

You’re perfectly capable of a long-haul relationship, but, right now, dating someone primarily means having a consistent, available, preferably not-too-chatty, hookup. You’re a careful, methodical person, and you work hard at making things work. It’s just that the type of woman most likely to find your strengths endearing is also the most likely type to find your shortcomings heartbreaking. Someone with a similarly laid-back approach to dating would be perfect for you.
the editorial square!

Always Avoid: The Nymph, The Sonnet, The Wild Rose

Consider: The Playstation

The Stiletto

Deliberate Deliberate Brutal Brutal Sex Sex Master Master (DBSMf)
The Stiletto

Edgy. Physical. Devastating. You are The Stiletto, of all types, the most likely to be a dominatrix and the least likely to apologize.

Your exact opposite:
The Window Shopper

your exact opposite
Random Random Gentle Gentle Love Love Dreamer Dreamer

Sex is your object, and you have a LOT of it. Doubtless, you’ve figured out how easy it is for a dominant, assertive woman to have as many and whichever partners as she chooses. You’re in control, you know what you want, and you get it, right there. It’s highly likely you have a nice body, and it’s even more likely we’re getting all turned on right now writing this.

You’re generally careful with your actions and words, but your test answers indicate you’ve hurt some people, drawn some blood. This means one of two things. Either you’re calculating, and pain is just part of your game plan, or hurting the occasional guy is just the unfortunate, but natural, byproduct of your liberated sexual existence.

Our tendency is to believe the latter: you’re willing to engage men on a basic sexual level, and clearly they’re attracted to you. It’s understandable that a few might get overly attached, and sometimes harshness is the only way for you to escape: you’ve got to cut your way out. After all, it’s not emotional bondage you’re looking for right now.
the editorial square!

Always Avoid: The Slow Dancer, The Manchild

Consider: The 5-Night Stand, The Bachelor

The 5-Night Stand

Deliberate Deliberate Brutal Brutal Sex Sex Master Master (DBSMm)
The 5-Night Stand

Compassionate, loving, and understanding, but only for one business week, you are The 5-Night Stand.

Your exact opposite:
The Boy Next Door

your exact opposite
Random Random Gentle Gentle Love Love Dreamer Dreamer

Sex is your primary objective, and you are a skilled manipulator. Therefore, you get LOTS of ass. Most likely, you juggle many women at once; you care about all of them a lot, but each of them a little. It adds up, right? One love.

You’re not dishonest with people, exactly. It’s unlikely, for instance, you’d actually say “I love you,” just to get laid; and you might even go as far as explaining “I’m not ready for a commitment” to a potential partner. Of course, when you say it, you’d smile that special smile, like you two have an inside joke. Her.

The secret of your success? Every nice person has an instinct to fix the broken dirtbag within you. Women especially have this instinct, because deep down they want their sons to be evil, a genetic advantage.

To wit, your most likely occupations are stock broker, lawyer, and photographer. You are a hard worker, because power and success turn you on.
the editorial square!

“While the breadwinning, gentle husbands of the world are mowing their front lawns, you are literally fucking their wives.”

Always Avoid: The Battleaxe, The Sudden Departure, The Dirty Little Secret

Consider: The Stiletto

The Window Shopper

Random Random Gentle Gentle Love Love Dreamer Dreamer (RGLDf)
The Window Shopper

Loving, hopeful, open. Likely to carry on an romance from afar. You are The Window Shopper.

Your exact opposite:
The Stiletto

your exact opposite
Deliberate Deliberate Brutal Brutal Sex Sex Master Master

You take love as opportunities come, which can lead to a high-anxiety, but high-flying romantic life. You’re a genuinely sweet person, not saccharine at all, so it’s likely that the relationships you have had and will have will be happy ones. You’ve had a fair amount of love experience for your age, and there’ll be much more to come.

Part of why we know this is that, of all female types, you are the most prone to sudden, ferocious crushes. Your results indicate that you’re especially capable of obsessing over a guy you just met. Obviously, passion like this makes for an intense existence. It can also make for soul-destroying letdowns.

Your ideal match is someone who’ll love you back with equal fire, and someone you’ve grown to love slowly. A self-involved or pessimistic man is especially bad. Though you’re drawn to them, avoid artists at all costs.
the editorial square!

BEWARE: The Hornivore

Consider: The Gentleman, The Loverboy

The Boy Next Door

Random Random Gentle Gentle Love Love Dreamer Dreamer (RGLDm)
The Boy Next Door

Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You’re looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it’s sweet.

Your exact opposite:
The 5-Night Stand

your exact opposite
Deliberate Deliberate Brutal Brutal Sex Sex Master Master

We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you’ve had some things not work out before, so what.

On paper, most girls would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you’re often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You’re the typical “nice guy:” without just a touch of cockiness, you’re doomed with girls. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold.

More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not.
the editorial square!

Always Avoid: The Nymph

Consider: The Maid of Honor, The Peach

The Peach

Random Random Gentle Gentle Love Love Master Master (RGLMf)
The Peach

Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach.

Your exact opposite:
The Nymph

your exact opposite
Deliberate Deliberate Brutal Brutal Sex Sex Dreamer Dreamer

For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you’re surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don’t get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it.

You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you’re becoming more selective about long-term love. It’s getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a guy who’s in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying him.

Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense.
the editorial square!

The Loverboy

Random Random Gentle Gentle Love Love Master Master (RGLMm)
The Loverboy
FACT:
You embody the German principle of Konstantzusammenschaft, which is best described in English (without using the obscure English word “sammenschaft”) as “eternal togethermanship”.

Well-liked. Well-established. You are The Loverboy. Loverboys thrive in committed, steady relationships—as opposed to, say, Playboys, who want sex without too much attachment.

Your exact opposite:
The Billy Goat

your exact opposite
Deliberate Deliberate Brutal Brutal Sex Sex Dreamer Dreamer

You’ve had many relationships and nearly all of them have been successful. You’re a nice guy, you know the ropes, and even if you can be a little hasty with decisions, most girls think of you as a total catch. Your hastiness comes off as spontaneity most of the time anyhow, making you especially popular in your circle of friends, too.

You know not to make the typical Loverboy mistake of choosing someone who appreciates your good humor and popularity, but who offers nothing in return. You belong with someone outgoing, independent, and creative. Otherwise, you’ll get bored. And then instead of surprising her with flowers or a practical joke, you’ll surprise her by leaving.
the editorial square!

Always Avoid: The Nymph

Consider: The Window Shopper, The Peach

The Nurse

Random Random Gentle Gentle Sex Sex Dreamer Dreamer (RGSDf)
The Nurse

Friendly and eager. Sexy in white. You are The Nurse.

Your exact opposite:
The Battleaxe

your exact opposite
Deliberate Deliberate Brutal Brutal Love Love Master Master

Like your male counterpart, The Poolboy, you’re a fun and goofy, but giving, friend. You believe that life and love should be taken with a grain of salt. We’ll bet you smile a lot, which people find contagious.

If only they knew the reason...the fact is, you spend WAY more time fantasizing than the average girl. While your friends lean desperately towards love, you’re chemically biased towards anti-love: sex. You’d never date someone you didn’t find immediately kissable.

To maximize satisfaction, you should find someone carefree and sexual, just like you. Avoid Brutal types at all costs. A final bit of advice: experience doesn’t matter. You didn’t qualify as a Master, and your perfect match need not either. Consider both The Poolboy and The Playboy
the editorial square!

BUT ALWAYS AVOID: The False Messiah, The Billy Goat

The Pool Boy

Random Random Gentle Gentle Sex Sex Dreamer Dreamer (RGSDm)
The Pool Boy

Friendly and eager. You are The Pool Boy.

Your exact opposite:
The False Messiah

your exact opposite
Deliberate Deliberate Brutal Brutal Love Love Master Master

A teen at heart, you anxiously move about your daily tasks, hoping, praying for a good, instant lay. You’re carefree, enthusiastic, and rarely discouraged. Love is cool, but it’s not for you right now. You know what is? Crotches.

You’re a fun person in both big and small groups, and your friends trust and love you. Inside you, meanwhile, your lust is only growing. Imagine your beating heart sprouting pubic hair. Exactly. Try shaving that.

If you’re not scoring enough—which you aren’t—you should adopt new strategies. Lower your standards. Be aggressive. Pool Boys are often submissive and hope (desperately) sex will find them. Realize that passiveness will not hook the horny girls you desire. A bolder approach and sheer repetition will.

When browsing OkCupid, consider both The Battleaxe and The Nurse.
the editorial square!

Always Avoid: The Dirty Little Secret, The Playstation

The Playstation

Random Random Gentle Gentle Sex Sex Master Master (RGSMf)
The Playstation

Easy to turn on. Hard to beat. You are The Playstation.

Your exact opposite:
The Priss

your exact opposite
Deliberate Deliberate Brutal Brutal Love Love Dreamer Dreamer

You’re a nice girl, and you have lots of sex. It’s therefore highly likely that you’re attractive, and you’re certainly outgoing & friendly. Plus, this healthy physical attitude of yours indicates deeper emotional well-being and stability. Unheard of. When guys dare to dream, they dream of you.

You don’t get attached too easily, and, to wit, you’re not necessarily looking for something long-term right now. That’s a bigger asset than you know. Though, physically speaking, you’re open to anything, you’re keeping your emotional side well-protected. This means there won’t be a lot of wreckage to clean up whenever you decide to settle down.

In the meantime, the men you share yourself with actually respect you. Like them, you enjoy sex for its own sake and don’t need any other validation for pleasure than pleasure itself. Hopefully, you have the good sense to blow off anyone who thinks less of you for that. Usually, this is the part of the description where we offer some life-correcting advice, but honestly, we can’t think of anything about you we’d change. Keep on fucking, partner.
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ALWAYS AVOID: The Mixed Messenger

CONSIDER: Anyone else

The Playboy

Random Random Gentle Gentle Sex Sex Master Master (RGSMm)
The Playboy

Clean. Smooth. Successful. You’re The Playboy.

Your exact opposite:
The Mixed Messenger

your exact opposite
Deliberate Deliberate Brutal Brutal Love Love Dreamer Dreamer

You’re spontaneous, and your energy is highly contagious. Guys therefore find you fun to be around, and girls find you compelling. You have lots of sex, and you manage it all without seeming cheap or being hurtful. Well done. You probably know karate, too.

It’s obvious to us, and probably everyone else, that you’re after physical rather than emotional relationships, but you’re straight up with potential partners. And if a girl you want isn’t into something casual, it’s no big deal. You move on. BEFORE sleeping with her. Usually. At least you try to. Such control is rare.

If you’re feeling unfulfilled, maybe you should raise your standards. New conquests will only be satisfying if there’s a possibility of rejection.
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Always Avoid: The Playstation

Consider: The Dirty Little Secret, The Nurse

The Wild Rose

Random Random Brutal Brutal Love Love Dreamer Dreamer (RBLDf)
The Wild Rose

Colorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose.

Your exact opposite:
The Dirty Little Secret

your exact opposite
Deliberate Deliberate Gentle Gentle Sex Sex Master Master

Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you’re the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling.

You don’t seem to take yourself too seriously, and that’s refreshing. You aren’t uptight; you don’t over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn’t a top priority—a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven’t had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You’re very selective.

The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You’re out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone.
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“You’re never truly single as long as you have yourself.”

Always Avoid: The Bachelor

Consider: The Vapor Trail

The Manchild

Random Random Brutal Brutal Love Love Dreamer Dreamer (RBLDm)
The Manchild

Hopeful. Awkward. Soft-headed. Fire intrigues you. You are The Manchild.

Your exact opposite:
The Bachelor

your exact opposite
Deliberate Deliberate Gentle Gentle Sex Sex Master Master

Okay, Manchildren have some good qualities. They can be unpredictable, brash, magnetic—and therefore highly charismatic. Particularly, you’re passionate and are often a hell of a lot of fun.

But we’d like you to consider not using OkCupid. You can be unthinking and hurtful, and we think you LIKE seeing bad things happen. You’ve had a moderate number of relationships, but broken a disproportionate number of hearts. In total, you mean well, but don’t really have it together.

It’s up to you, of course, whether to continue dating. There are plenty of women out there who do deserve you. But you’ve heard our advice.
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If you stay...

Always Avoid: The Dirty Little Secret

Consider: The Sudden Departure

The Sudden Departure

Random Random Brutal Brutal Love Love Master Master (RBLMf)
The Sudden Departure

Sweet. Dear. Loving. At Gate 18. Final call. You are The Sudden Departure.

Your exact opposite:
The Intern

your exact opposite
Deliberate Deliberate Gentle Gentle Sex Sex Dreamer Dreamer

You’ve been in a lot of serious relationships. More than a few have ended ugly. Uglily. Whatever. Our guess is that you’re a really fantastic girl who doesn’t really know what she wants, and you’ve broken a few hearts as a result. You fall for people easily, and you enjoy the feeling of falling in love, but once you’re there, either boredom or the old “grass is greener” syndrome sets in. The mind wanders, and with it goes the flesh. And then the toiletries.

We know you’re not the classic “love ’em and leave ’em” type, at least not in a purely sexual sense. You have too many serious bonding tendencies for that. But even though you’re theoretically looking to settle down, you don’t settle long on one person. “Serial monogamist” is probably something you hear a lot. “Emotionally loose” is another way to put it. To the poor guys eating your dust and sniffing your panties, it doesn’t really make much difference. Of course, it’s not really your fault that people get hurt. You have every right to move on when you choose.
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CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail, someone just like you

Always Avoid: The Backrubber, The Gentleman

The Vapor Trail

Random Random Brutal Brutal Love Love Master Master (RBLMm)
The Vapor Trail

Here today, gone today. You are The Vapor Trail. Are you in a relationship now?

Your exact opposite:
The Backrubber

your exact opposite
Deliberate Deliberate Gentle Gentle Sex Sex Dreamer Dreamer

What about now?

Vapor Trails can be highly charismatic people—unpredictable, confident, and magnetic. You’re experienced. You know how to handle yourself in a relationship, and many people appreciate that. Many people, all in a row.

You’ve had your share of blissful beginnings, to be sure. But things almost never turn out how you’d like, do they? The problem is you’re never happy with someone for an extended period of time. Relate to the following:

Vapor Trails especially need a girl who will laugh at their jokes. They’re also the most likely male type to be haunted by serious regret.
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FACT: A few of your exes, the ones you were best to, will always love you. Nice going.

Always Avoid: The Intern, The Maid of Honor

Consider: The Sudden Departure

Half-Cocked

Random Random Brutal Brutal Sex Sex Dreamer Dreamer (RBSDf)
Half-Cocked

Fiery. Hungry. Blatant. Sexual. Christ. You are Half-Cocked.

Your exact opposite:
The Maid of Honor

your exact opposite
Deliberate Deliberate Gentle Gentle Love Love Master Master

There’s a lot of wild lust inside you, banging around, that much is obvious. There’s also a lot of untamed emotion. When either escapes, look out. One minute you’re completely together, the next you’re a howling gale of hormones and opinions.

Outside relationships, your intense, mercurial personality makes you a charmer. You can be fiercely devoted, and it’s likely that many of your friends will be friends-for-life. Of course, your enemies are likewise certain and zealous, especially your exes and their therapists.

You will find the right person. In the short term, he’s someone virile who won’t sweat your imperfections. In the long term, he will be someone mature and caring who will grow to love them.
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Always Avoid: The Slow Dancer

Consider: The Playboy, The Billy Goat

The Last Man on Earth

Random Random Brutal Brutal Sex Sex Dreamer Dreamer (RBSDm)
The Last Man on Earth
FACT: The apocalypse has come. All are dead. You never should’ve asked her out.

Shit, rejected again. You are The Last Man on Earth.

Your exact opposite:
The Gentleman

your exact opposite
Deliberate Deliberate Gentle Gentle Love Love Master Master

Sorry, but most women would rather see the human species wither to an end—and therefore deny the most fundamental instinct that living creatures have—than sleep with you.

We’ve learned the following: you don’t think things through. You’re haphazard. You’re dangerous. You’re somewhat inexperienced. It’s totally obvious that you’re a horny bugger, as well. Everybody knows that and steers clear.

To top things off, when you do find your way into a relationship, you tend to be a dick somewhere down the line and fuck it all up.

There’s a small, but negligible, chance we’re wrong. In any case, your friends find your shit hilarious. There’s nothing cooler than a dude reducing himself to human rubble.
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Always Avoid: The Sonnet

Consider: Half-Cocked, The Nymph

Genghis Khunt

Random Random Brutal Brutal Sex Sex Master Master (RBSMf)
Genghis Khunt

We almost called you Brutus the Uterus and attached this picture:

Your exact opposite:
The Sonnet

your exact opposite
Deliberate Deliberate Gentle Gentle Love Love Dreamer Dreamer

But we figured you wouldn’t understand, and rightly so. We don’t understand either. So you are Genghis Khunt: master of man, bringer of pain—riding your way to conquest after conquest.

Your sexual avarice is legendary. You’ve already had an unusually high amount of experience, and, still you look for more. You intimidate many. You make no apologies.

Personality-wise, you’re carefree and relatively easy-going. You don’t plan things out ahead of time; you tend to live in the moment. Of course, this can cause some damage when the moment happens to include a screaming orgasm with his younger brother. Hence the ‘brutal’ tag we’ve given you.

But you know what, take five seconds to lock the doors, and you’ll be fine. There’s nothing wrong with a little sex, or a whole lot.
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Always Avoid: The Slow Dancer

Consider: The 5-Night Stand, The Hornivore, The Playboy

The Hornivore

Random Random Brutal Brutal Sex Sex Master Master (RBSMm)
The Hornivore

Don’t ever marry, you’re The Hornivore. Roaming, sexual, subhuman.

Your exact opposite:
The Slow Dancer

your exact opposite
Deliberate Deliberate Gentle Gentle Love Love Dreamer Dreamer

The Hornivores (you) are some of the most screwed up and naughty beings in the Universe. And their numbers are growing, mostly due to skipped or misused contraception. You care not. There’s one thing you want, one sole need.

Half manly, half bestial, you act on instinct, and animal charisma smoothes the way. It’s unlikely you’re driven by much other than your own selfish, orgasmic requirements. Your appearance and personality have evolved for the hunt. Ass beckons, you oblige.

For the record, you can happily bang all personality types, however your match percentages might be low with the kinder, more sensible people of the world, purely because they all wish to avoid you. Good luck to them.
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“One day, the villagers came with torches to the house. In the smoldering ashes, stray dogs looked for cooked flesh.”

Always Avoid: The Sonnet

Consider: Half-Cocked, Genghis Khunt

OkCupid will always love you. Sort of.